It’s not Snake Oil, it’s Medicine : Toxins

At any given time there are literally thousands of mysterious elements out to get you, those elements are known as “toxins” and they are killing you dead right now. Of the many and varied alternative medical practices and products, pretty much all of them are concerned with “toxins” and how to remove them from the fetid pond of putrescence that is your body.

Scientific evidence is nothing in the face of anecdotes and general quackery. Alternative medicine is the only thing in the world that can help you get rid of the dangerous “toxins” that are clogging up your creative pathways and making you sick.

Once you achieve such an enlightened and healthy sense of smug well-being, it’s of utmost importance that you share the good news and tell others about the silly things you’ve been doing to yourself in the pursuit of perfect health.

I’ve taken the time to research some options for you, these are all good ways to get rid of those horrible “toxins” that are making you sick and unable to effectively craft and upcycle.

Mysterious white substances in poorly labelled vials! Let's eat them! Homeopathy!

Mysterious white substances in poorly labelled vials! Let’s eat them! Homeopathy!

Homeopathy: The idea that a substance that causes symptoms of the ailment or disease in healthy people will magically cure similar symptoms of the ailment in sick people. Basically – take a bunch of stuff that may or may not be good for you, and is possibly diluted beyond even having a trace of this magical medicinal property “because water has memory” and it will cure all your problems. Within homeopathy you get lovely related practices like Isopathy – where compounds are made up of the things that cause the disease or actual products of the disease itself – like pus. Nothing will make you feel better than smearing pus on yourself, trust me.

Cupping Therapy: The magic of a vacuum seal all over your back! Said to help with things like infertility and various lady problems. Cupping will assist with psychological well-being in people that will believe anything. The act of wet-cupping introduces the age old practice of bloodletting as well, because if history has proven anything, it’s that draining a person of blood will always help.

Ear Candling: Again, the magic of a vacuum, except this time in your ears! Aside from the possible problems that may arise from holding a lit candle against your head, the warm air current created by the candle will magically suck the toxins from your ear and may set off the smoke alarm – how else will you know it’s working?

Sun Gazing: The power of the sun unleashed all over your optic nerves. People who believe in sun gazing are said to be able to survive without food because they harvest all their energy from the sun – like plants, which science has proven still need things like nutrients to live, but since when has science ever stopped people from doing stupid things? If it doesn’t make you blind, it will cure everything wrong with you.

And finally –

Trepanation: Drilling a hole in one’s head for no good reason. By opening up a hole in your head you will release the magical power of your third eye and let your brain breathe, there by releasing all of those “toxins”that are building up in there. When people say “I need that like I need a hole in my head” the obviously do not know the medical benefits of having a hole in your head.

Doesn't this look like it's going fix all your problems?

Doesn’t this look like it’s going fix all your problems?

If you have done all of these alternative medical practices and still find yourself alive and plagued by “toxins’, then I suggest a good round of the lemonade fast and a trip into to woods to commune with nature. Pack up your lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup concoction and head to the nearest crop of trees, make yourself a little nest from leaves and twigs and settle in for a good stay. Or you could try kale.

Photo credit: kh1234567890 / / CC BY-NC-ND
Photo credit: Luciana Christante / / CC BY-NC-ND

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Kindness is for Losers : Easter

Everyone who knows anything knows that the holidays are a perfect time to act like an ungrateful know-it-all. I am sure you all were expecting a pre-Easter post about how to do some charming craft that would make your Easter weekend perfect, but Pinterest already had lots of ideas for you – anything I could add to the copious egg based crafts would just get lost in the clutter.

Easter pug says "what? It was a busy weekend, and the baby is screaming her head off right now!"

Easter pug says “what? It was a busy weekend, and the baby is screaming her head off right now!”

Since Easter is the time when people that love you and your children spoil them with treats and candy, you can expect an influx of chocolate based goodies, some bunny shaped plush toys and probably a couple spring outfits. These people know nothing and deserve to be treated like the idiots they are.

Ideally, what you want to do on the Easter Monday, that is if you’re lucky enough to be a civil “servant” that is not required to return to work just yet is to take a picture of your family’s Easter haul. Post it to social media and tell everyone that you’re giving all the gifts away. If you really want to make people think that you’re super gracious and considerate, make sure that you post the gifts that your brother and sister-in-law gave to you front and centre. It really makes all the effort they went to worth it and will make them feel special and loved.

Other things you can do over Easter to make people aware of your perfect life and how hard you work:

1.) Declare that you need to scrapbook on Friday nights for your “sanity”.
2.) Complain about the amount of treats your child finds in the canned egg hunt.
3.) Use social media in other interesting and alienating ways – remember that graciousness is something that poor people have to worry about and don’t bother being grateful or humble at all. If you can simultaneously complain about how other people use social media while you’re doing this, then you are just winning at life aren’t you?

There, a perfect Easter! Remember that everyone loves someone entitled and that acting like an ungrateful brat is super charming and no one will hold it against you or talk about you on the car-ride home.

Photo credit: geraldbrazell / / CC BY-ND

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False Claims and Multi Level Marketing = Health : Acai Berries

When “studies” show that the lifespan of fruit-flies can be lengthened by ingestion of a certain fruit, it’s time to call that fruit a superfood and make some money off it! Even better when recommendations and claims of weight loss are coming from celebrities that are having their names misused illegally!

Since when do you need scientific evidence when health benefits like reversal of diabetes and expanding the size of your penis are at stake? Since never, that’s when!

Health claims! Beauty and weightless applications! A scammer's wet dream, right here by the bushel!

Health claims! Beauty and weightless applications! A scammer’s wet dream, right here by the bushel!

Studies have shown that when a company puts “acai berry” on the labels, sales increase and people think that they are healthy. With fewer antioxidants than grape juice, drinking anything with acai berries in it is just good sense. And who cares that the extent to which dietary antioxidants improve your health is unknown – no one needs credible evidence when it comes to good health and common sense!

People that will believe anything are spending money hand over fist to get a hold of some acai berry magic. Tonics of the juice are sold for as much as $40 a pop. When you’re spending that much money on a health supplement you know it’s going to be good for you.

Popular because of some clever internet marketing and persistent low-level Multi-Level-Marketing “business owners”, acai berry is guaranteed to cure everything that is making you sick and offer you some great opportunities to make a little extra money. You’ve got nothing to lose and champions of scamming people out of their hard earned cash are ready to coach you to success. Got your credit card ready? Financial freedom and good health start today – for a one time sign-up fee, consider it an investment for your future!

Acai berries are not just good to eat, you can also smear them all over yourself for beauty purposes, if your shampoo and face cream doesn’t have acai berries as a minuscule ingredient, you’re going to get ugly and die. Just facts here folks.

Photo credit: Breno Peck / / CC BY-NC-SA

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Laziness Becomes Her : The Topknot

There is a theory in life, that if you do anything with enough arrogance and confidence that it is no longer strange or unfashionable – people will instead think that you are stylish and unique and seek to emulate you. The topknot hairstyle for women fits so perfectly into that theory that when you tell people about it and need to provide an example, you can just say “like a topknot” and they will immediately grasp what you are describing to them.

Why would you call something a messy high bun, and just do it on days that you were  unable to wash and style your hair, when you can over think everything and make it into a fashion statement that requires a tutorial?

A great way to show off those crocheted and bedazzled collars from your last upcycled project, the topknot is an easy and attractive to way to look like you don’t give a shit even though you spent 3 hours online looking at how-to videos.

Effortless, yet full of effort.

Effortless, yet full of effort. And somehow, despite all that effort, it looks like you have a doorknob on your head. 

In case you are really unable to figure this out :

1.) Pull your hair into a high pony tail. The higher it is, the more confident and self-assured you will look. Think peacock, or striking cobra. Really get it up there on the top of your head. Use an elastic to secure.

2.) Wrap your hair around the elastic and secure into place with bobby pins. You can either go with a smooth, polished look and wrap and secure tightly, or do it more loosely for a messy, casual, full of effort effortless look.

3.) Spritz that shit with some hairspray.

There, you are perfect. Take pictures.

Photo credit: Cour10e Fox / / CC BY

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Leave Room for your Mug Cake : Decorating Your Coffee Table

Over thinking things is common in the pursuit of a perfect life, in no other place in your home is this more important than your coffee table. If there was ever a piece of furniture that requires a lot of thought and the most perfect home decor it’s the place where you leave your DIY Sharpie mugs.

This coffee table is attempting to be perfect, but it doesn't have nearly enough crap on it yet.

This coffee table is attempting to be perfect, but it doesn’t have nearly enough crap on it yet.

Cluttering up a coffee table is a sincere challenge faced by perfect people every day. There is so much to consider and so many items in your twee little hoard pile that need a prominent place on a highly visible flat surface.

The first thing that you need to do when decorating your coffee table is decide on a theme – what recently adopted obsession or trend are you embracing this week? For myself, it’s art books, because when people come over I like them to think that I am cultured and artistic. Other themes could be based around the things that you spend too much money on : depression glass, or some hand-tatted piece of crap you curated from your local second hand shop.

This coffee table is loaded with candles and various crafts. Excellent decorating skills are displayed here.

This coffee table is loaded with candles and various crafts. Excellent decorating skills are displayed here.

Make sure that you consider scale as well. Since watching television is for the plebeian, it’s fine to use large and visually striking pieces that obscure any and all sight lines, after all you want people to focus on the most important thing in the room, yourself, and not baser distractions like The Carrie Diaries on the CW, Mondays at 8.

Add ambience and show off your crafting skills by placing homemade candles or mason jar lanterns around the surface, remember that you really want to make sure that every square inch of your coffee table is covered with something. The coffee table is a place that your skills can really shine – leave out your work’s in progress, or even place your highly covetable Kitchenaid mixer right in the middle of the table, consider it a shrine to your general perfection, nothing is off limits as coffee table decor if it highlights how amazing you are.

(this is not a sponsored post, there is no sponsored content on Stuff in Mason Jars. All opinions are my own. Seriously though, get the Kitchenaid Mixer. It’s no better than any other mixer, but everyone will covet it and be jealous of you and no perfect kitchen is complete without it and you don’t want to look like you don’t know what you’re doing.)

Photo credit: Stewf / / CC BY-NC-SA
Photo credit: Ani-Bee / / CC BY-NC-ND

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